Monday, February 04, 2013

Gareeb

Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh!

If you ever read a few posts on this blog, you know I am a sentimental sack of sap and clearly I could not return without a big sappy post! I will, however, try to keep this one short.

Aside from the obvious (though ever-surprising, clearly) feeling of "Oh my gosh! So much has changed over the past     insert relevant period of time here    ", there are other feelings it is difficult not to comment on before I begin again this journey. Or continue it where I left off, I suppose. All of these feelings stem, of course, from things having changed so much over the course of the past two or so years (time since my last proper post), and even the time that lapsed while I was making unfulfilled promises about returning to blogging (I was going through the past twenty some odd posts and feeling irritated by my younger self!). That's not the point though.

I just want to take a moment to apologize. For everything. For most, wisdom does come with age, and I hope someday I do attain some sort of wisdom, but I at least feel comfortable in saying I am not nearly as foolish as I very much used to be. I want to apologize for acting as if I knew what I was talking about, for lying, and pretending to be something I am not, for misrepresenting myself and so many other things (and people and ideas, and so on), and for being so very full of myself, and so unwilling to admit my wrongs. I apologize especially to those whose affections I did not return, and even more profusely to those who attempted to call me out, correct me, guide me, to whom I responded in a most violent and offensive manner.

For the most part, I have decided not to delete everything and start all over, just because I don't feel any pressing need to do so as of yet. I may move everything to a separate archive link or something (if I can figure out how to do that), so that it doesn't show up immediately if you keep clicking back. I just don't want my motivation in removing or hiding everything to be shame of myself, or a fear that people will read things about me that make me look bad. It is what it is folks, and this will be an important push in the right direction for me - namely, letting go and moving forward. I have allowed myself to continue to be defined by my past actions for far too long, creating this vicious, inescapable cycle of: 1) doing dumb things; 2) becoming extremely upset over said stupid actions; 3) allowing my upset-ness to grow into a crippling depression, shame and fear which then leads me to; 4) not moving forward and making better decisions. I become so frozen in fear and shame that I cannot improve myself and continue to do stupid things, which in turn leads to more crippling shame anger fear so on and on and on. Much like this post!

I'm not entirely sure what my motivation is in coming back. I have always *tried* to keep a journal or blog and it has never, ever really worked out. I have lacked consistency my entire life. I also like to talk a lot. So maybe this blog is just to contain my ridiculous thought processes somewhere outside of my befuddled brain, and also a training exercise in consistent and habitual behaviour, and following through.

Anyway...I really did just want to apologize. I have done a lot of wrong. And while I have finally, finally begun to move forward from the burdens of my past thoughts and actions, it is not wrong to repent wrongdoing. I am sorry to all of you who have ever read this blog. I have not been a good person, in any way, but it is my life's ultimate goal now to just become good. Other goals might get added along the way. Or, perhaps, my definition of a "good person" will just grow, change shape, expand, become more defined or more loose, however it will work. I'm sure I will look back on this post someday and want to cringe the same way I did reading my old posts yesterday :p but...that's okay, too.

So, to my faithful -3 readers...my heart at your feet. My hands folded together and with the utmost sincerity, from the core of my soul, I apologize for the pain and damage I have inflicted upon this world, in my myriad of evil ways. There were some "accusations" on this blog in the past, which were actually true. There were many lies, many secrets, much shame and fear, an ocean's worth of ego. But I'm not drowning anymore. And I pray with my entire soul I never become the cause of someone else's drowning, faltering, shame, fear  or pain ever again.

bhullaan chukaan di khimma de laayak te nehi...par Guru Gareeb Nivaaj Ji bakshand ne. Sangat bakshanhaar hai. Meri ehi aas hai...everyone in this world is truly better than I, and that is the only reason I am still alive and upright and can hold my head up and look anyone in the eye today. I hope this gareebi remains forever in my heart. I hope I always see myself at the feet of this world, and truly grow to realize that my role is solely to do its seva. True seva.

So I am sorry. And thank you. Endlessly, thank you.

_/\_