Saturday, July 22, 2006

I realize that everything You do is because You want to do it, whether there is a logical reason or not. I understand that there is no point in trying to fight it, and really no reason to resent it, either. I see myself coming to accept the fact that it's okay. It's always okay. You give, and You take away, and You give some more. So is it really that bad if You take away some more? I don't think so, not anymore at least.

I don't hate You anymore. I don't resent what You do, I don't wonder why you made rapes and murders and bombs and war and greedy people and poor people and crippled people and mentally hindered people. I have not yet come to accept these things, however. I saw the brother of a man from Guruduara Sahib at Costco today, and I didn't know it was him until Mumma Ji began to talk to Papa Ji about him, and I overheard. The man from Guruduara Sahib is mentally disabled in some way, and behaves very much like a child, but he does not seem dangerous or harmful. His mother and father are elderly, and take good care of him, but this brother of his is very mean. He yells and hits his parents, and he hits his brother for doing the things he does.

When I thought of him today, after seeing him once again on Sunday, I did not ask You why You made him, why You made his brother, why You did what you did. But I did feel sad, and I did feel sorry, which is a sure sign that I haven't yet accepted what You do.

But I want to thank You for everything. And I don't mean the clothes and house and school and books and kids and computer and friends and Kirtan and Guruduara Sahib and cameras and internet and tv and paper and words and feelings and thoughts and emotions and ladybugs and spiders and lions and elephants and platypuses and ducks and alligators and flowers and bushes and trees and leaves and weeds and water and soda and cotton candy and circuses and only You know what else but Waheguru Ji I don't know what I'm thanking You for.

I just need to say sorry. I know that it could be that I haven't done anything, that even my mistakes are not mine, they are just more of what You will to be done, they are not in my hands at all but Waheguru Ji I'm sorry. I'm so so terribly sorry. For everything. Literally everything. In some way, everything that I have done is wrong. Every single thing.

Thank You so much. Just... I don't know. I really don't. I thought when I started this post that I did, but I don't, and now I don't know how to say what I wanted to say, and now I don't know what I wanted to say, either, so I guess that's pointless and you know because it's related I suppose I could thank You for them and even for making them so far or taking them away but Waheguru Ji please.

please

please sorry thank you sorry please thank you please thank you sorry sorry please sorry thank you sorry please waheguru

it seems that is all that ever comes out of this mrakjs' mouth will i ever be able to see no difference between You and me? Is that blasphemy, for someone like me to consider that? I think it is, I feel it is, do You think it is God? Is it? I don't know, but I think it might be. I even like to think it might be, because I can't imagine that being right.

will I ever be able to say i love You and not just be kidding myself? will i ever really feel it? and you know what, well of course you know what, what is there that you dont know? nothing, right, so its useless for me to say, but those questions are empty. im not really asking them, they're just there god, i dont need an answer, they're unimportant, im not wondering or waiting or hoping or wishing

i just need to love You. and if i ever don't, or i mean if i don't ever, then even that's okay.

im so sorry god. im so sorry. i probably have nothing to be sorry for but thats how you made me so im sorry anyway. its the first time in a long time i havent been numb, and now it feels fake. is it fake? it might be fake. i know this sounds like acrazy person, or a frantic person, or even someone who's chaotic inside and calm outside, but im none or neither or whatever of those. imcalm inside and out, and conscious of everything. every word, every typo, every missing space and letter not capitalized

does that make me heartless? saying sorry and knowing i dont mean it and saying thank you and please and i love you and knowing none of them are true, i think it makes me heartless. im pretty sure it does.

good night god. maybe tomorrow ill be able to tell you what i mean.

thank you. sorry. good night

11 Responses to “ ”

b said...

http://www.sikhitothemax.com/page.asp?ShabadID=2671

vaheguru

TeraRoop said...

Waheguru

thank You so much

Waheguru

Gangsta said...

some times too much thinking is bad, just relax and flow with the groo, thats all it takes.

satvinder said...

PS. were you very tired when you wrote this? :oP

sweet dreams. the ones of the day and the ones of the night.

hugs for the little one.

TeraRoop said...

mm, who says all gangstas are bad? =)

I know Jeeo, but it's not that easy for someone like me to not overthink every little thing. All I can do is wait until He blesses me with that ability. Thank you though

Nehi Bhenji.. well.. weary. But physically alert and mentally stimulated even. Did some puzzles and worked out for an hour and a half afterward =)

Sweet dreams to you too, dear one. hugs back =)

Angad Singh said...

a true aardas nvr goes unanswered...

gangstah said...

yeh gangstahs, rule ;) especially the singh gangstahs.
i was afraid my post may have seemed abit offensive, thats wy i wrote anon.
my prayas are with u

TeraRoop said...

thank you Angad Veerji.. Waheguru. Comments from you are always touching, because they are always meaningful - and I never did thank you for your kindness when I left my blog.

Thank you so much =)

Waheguru.. gangsta{h} jiiii.. you don't have to be scared of me =) It wasn't offensive, it was your opinion and your advice, that simple! And thank you for it =))

Do I know you, by any chance? I want to say it's Singstah Veerji..

Angad Singh said...

left yr blog???

Singhstah said...

I, erm.., ahhh :x

TeraRoop said...

er yeah, you remember when i was silly and had to go mend some broken hearts?

=)

the good news is they are mended! well, some of them. haha =)

haha caught ya bro =PP

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