Monday, February 04, 2013

Gareeb

Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh!

If you ever read a few posts on this blog, you know I am a sentimental sack of sap and clearly I could not return without a big sappy post! I will, however, try to keep this one short.

Aside from the obvious (though ever-surprising, clearly) feeling of "Oh my gosh! So much has changed over the past     insert relevant period of time here    ", there are other feelings it is difficult not to comment on before I begin again this journey. Or continue it where I left off, I suppose. All of these feelings stem, of course, from things having changed so much over the course of the past two or so years (time since my last proper post), and even the time that lapsed while I was making unfulfilled promises about returning to blogging (I was going through the past twenty some odd posts and feeling irritated by my younger self!). That's not the point though.

I just want to take a moment to apologize. For everything. For most, wisdom does come with age, and I hope someday I do attain some sort of wisdom, but I at least feel comfortable in saying I am not nearly as foolish as I very much used to be. I want to apologize for acting as if I knew what I was talking about, for lying, and pretending to be something I am not, for misrepresenting myself and so many other things (and people and ideas, and so on), and for being so very full of myself, and so unwilling to admit my wrongs. I apologize especially to those whose affections I did not return, and even more profusely to those who attempted to call me out, correct me, guide me, to whom I responded in a most violent and offensive manner.

For the most part, I have decided not to delete everything and start all over, just because I don't feel any pressing need to do so as of yet. I may move everything to a separate archive link or something (if I can figure out how to do that), so that it doesn't show up immediately if you keep clicking back. I just don't want my motivation in removing or hiding everything to be shame of myself, or a fear that people will read things about me that make me look bad. It is what it is folks, and this will be an important push in the right direction for me - namely, letting go and moving forward. I have allowed myself to continue to be defined by my past actions for far too long, creating this vicious, inescapable cycle of: 1) doing dumb things; 2) becoming extremely upset over said stupid actions; 3) allowing my upset-ness to grow into a crippling depression, shame and fear which then leads me to; 4) not moving forward and making better decisions. I become so frozen in fear and shame that I cannot improve myself and continue to do stupid things, which in turn leads to more crippling shame anger fear so on and on and on. Much like this post!

I'm not entirely sure what my motivation is in coming back. I have always *tried* to keep a journal or blog and it has never, ever really worked out. I have lacked consistency my entire life. I also like to talk a lot. So maybe this blog is just to contain my ridiculous thought processes somewhere outside of my befuddled brain, and also a training exercise in consistent and habitual behaviour, and following through.

Anyway...I really did just want to apologize. I have done a lot of wrong. And while I have finally, finally begun to move forward from the burdens of my past thoughts and actions, it is not wrong to repent wrongdoing. I am sorry to all of you who have ever read this blog. I have not been a good person, in any way, but it is my life's ultimate goal now to just become good. Other goals might get added along the way. Or, perhaps, my definition of a "good person" will just grow, change shape, expand, become more defined or more loose, however it will work. I'm sure I will look back on this post someday and want to cringe the same way I did reading my old posts yesterday :p but...that's okay, too.

So, to my faithful -3 readers...my heart at your feet. My hands folded together and with the utmost sincerity, from the core of my soul, I apologize for the pain and damage I have inflicted upon this world, in my myriad of evil ways. There were some "accusations" on this blog in the past, which were actually true. There were many lies, many secrets, much shame and fear, an ocean's worth of ego. But I'm not drowning anymore. And I pray with my entire soul I never become the cause of someone else's drowning, faltering, shame, fear  or pain ever again.

bhullaan chukaan di khimma de laayak te nehi...par Guru Gareeb Nivaaj Ji bakshand ne. Sangat bakshanhaar hai. Meri ehi aas hai...everyone in this world is truly better than I, and that is the only reason I am still alive and upright and can hold my head up and look anyone in the eye today. I hope this gareebi remains forever in my heart. I hope I always see myself at the feet of this world, and truly grow to realize that my role is solely to do its seva. True seva.

So I am sorry. And thank you. Endlessly, thank you.

_/\_

Sunday, November 14, 2010

everything fades away. some things quicker than others {emotions such as joy, sorrow, anger, fear}. some things last longer, like relationships with family and friends. but in the end, everything will fade to black, disintegrate to dust, and we'll finally realize that the only thing that mattered was the one we never paid any attention to. care for your soul. that's all you really are. this body, these people around you, you can't take them with you and they can't take you with them. so look inward, and care for your soul. shift your gaze from people and things, and this physical and very real but very false and impermanent world. care for your soul, before you reach the last of your allotted breaths and can care for it no more.

Monday, November 01, 2010

Thoughts of the night

- ashamed at how little of today was spent thinking about the innocent lives lost following what happened in India on this day, in 1984.

- first trick or treaters to come to our door tonight left me appalled; the little boys were dressed as superheroes, and the little girls as...unidentifiable characters with short skirts/dresses and...well all sorts of things they shouldn't have been wearing. This trend seemed to continue through the night.

- Sikhs are probably better off without Obama visiting Darbar Sahib. Just think about it. His only intent in visiting would be to boost his own image. His visit would have meant no one else could go to Darbar Sahib and have darshan or do ishnaan for at least two days prior to his visit + the day of. No person in a political position should be granted this level of influence over something like Sikhs' visits to a Gurughar. Seriously. Besides...I think his NOT going is getting us plenty of publicity. I honestly don't see any benefit in him going there.

- Guru Sahib has a plan. It's much, much, much better than any plan you have ever made or could ever make for yourself. So, as a Bhainji {and a card I discovered while cleaning out my desk} recently told me: Let go and let God. Seriously. It'll do ya a WORLD of good.

- if you know you gotta do something...do not delay. I repeat, do not delay. I'm regretting putting off something that seems to have changed the entire course of my life. Don't delay. Especially if you know Guru Sahib wants you to do it. Just do it.

- I'm an idiot.

That concludes the random thoughts of the night {the few that I managed to salvage from the pigsty I call my mind, anyway}.

_/\_

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Bad Vibes

Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh!

So, putting my failed prediction for the future of the Panth behind me (PostSecret's not that big a deal, eh?), I'm pleasantly surprised to be back here once again, writing something, for my grand total of negative three followers to read :D  Given, I started writing three different posts, and this is the third time I'm having a go at this one, I think I'm slowly getting back into the swing of things. Took me a few years. I suppose it helps that any alternative that I wouldn't feel guilty about resorting to involves either a) reading completely new material for a class about four hours away or b) interviewing random strangers, I'm not so surprised to be here! On a side note, I just checked and have 41 drafts saved on this blog, some of them dating back to 2006. Given, a few only have titles or a couple of words in the body, but still. I have no explanation.

So, what's the chosen topic of the day? If you don't know by now, this post - and perhaps this entire blog - may completely elude you. Stick around, maybe you'll figure it out. You see how I think I'm amusing? It's a curse and a blessing, *sigh*. Yeah, I am a tad bit hyper. And this was supposed to be a serious post! Anyway...

Lately, I've been growing more and more susceptible to bad vibes, to what people do and say around me. It takes one casually dropped f-bomb during a phone conversation between another passenger and whoever's at the other end of the line, at 8 AM, while waiting for my bus, to pretty much taint the rest of my day with at least a shadow of melancholy. Sometimes it's worse and I spend the rest of the day in an irritable mood, which means I'm just carrying on the bad vibes and spreading them to others. Perfectly lovely, cheerful and energetic days are ruined just by overhearing a curse word.

And it's not just curse words.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Potentially the next explosive online Sikh issue ?!

Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh!

Kind of confusing - and perhaps inaccurate - title, but as usual, it makes sense in my head.

I think I have matured a bit since I first began blogging what honestly feels like {excuse the cliche} a lifetime ago. Not much has changed, but I have become ever so slightly more intelligent, understanding and, I'd like to think, accepting as opposed to tolerant. The reason I bring any of this up is because I've been sitting here thinking about my reaction to what I'm about to talk about, and I realized that a few years back, it would probably have been a much more explosive one. I don't think anything I'm about to say will be controversial in any sense, while if this had happened back when I first started blogging, I probably would have blown a gasket and said things much wiser and more lovely people would frown upon. Even now, it almost feels useless to talk about this at all, but hey...it made me want to blog, and at this point, I'll take what I can get to try and breathe some life back into this dying infinitesimal corner of web space.

Annnnnnyway, now that we've opened with the customary TR ramble, let's move on to the subject of today's post, shall we? And that, would be this:

Following at the heels of other such things as the Gatka display on India's Got Talent, is this. For those who don't know what this is, it's a postcard from PostSecret, "an ongoing community art project where people mail in their secrets anonymously on one side of a postcard" {taken from the website - p.s. if you're sensitive about sexual content, etc., probably best not to click through}. Anyway, people send in postcards to Frank Warren, the founder, who then posts some of them on the website, posting new ones every Sunday. Many of the secrets have also been compiled into various books. There is currently some "controversy" surrounding PostSecret itself, which I will not delve too deep into, but part of it does fuel this post.